the funny side of lee sachs
This was run on the McSweeney’s Patreon Subscriber email newsletter; a “long-distance dedication” kinda like Casey Kasem did, except it’s not a pop song, it’s a McSweeney’s piece. Got that? Click the logo above.
Dear Chris –
I’d like to make this long-distance dedication to my dear friend Maureen. Maureen and I used to live near each other when we grew up and would walk home from school together. We’d usually stop at my house because it was closer. Mom would fix an after-school snack like her homemade toll house cookies. Eventually, Mom wasn’t home after school because Dad had left us flat broke and Mom had to take a job at the whittling factory miles away. Mom was one of those old school whittlers, y’know, nothing too elaborate: a stick with a point, an arrow made from a stick, a giant pencil looking thing with a sharp end. But she worked hard and wouldn’t be home until after dark. We’d make our own snacks and then when we were old enough, not legal-age old enough but do-bongs-after-school old enough, we’d really enjoy toll house cookie dough right from the bowl. One day, we found a bottle of Gibson’s Gin in the basement. We had never tried gin and drank too much, too fast. Just as we were getting really sloppy, Mom came home early. I panicked and suddenly got sick. As my mom was coming down to the basement, I couldn’t find anything to throw up in so I grabbed a glove that was on this shelf and threw up in it. That was a close one! And a ruined glove!
Years later, when Lethal Weapon came out starring Mel Gibson (as in gin??) and Danny Glover (as in vomiting into a glove?) Maureen and I just HAD to go see it together. It was great and we went out after and had gin and tonics like proper young adults and didn’t throw up into any container whatsoever! That turned out to be the last time I saw Maureen because she went off to become a nun in the Sisters Of Absolutely No Media order.
I’m staying with Mom now and taking care of her in her later years. She’s too old to whittle but got me a job at the whittling factory. I’m doing the more advanced whittling that Mom never touched like dagger shapes and really thin sticks. I wish I could see Maureen now so we could watch a Lethal Weapon I, II and III marathon and drink gin and wear gloves. But I know she’s dedicated to the Sisters Of Absolutely No Media and she’s not allowed to watch or engage in any media whatsoever including buddy copy movies. I don’t even know if she’ll hear about this long-distance dedication because she’s so completely off the grid … jeez, she might be dead. But I really hope not!
Anyway … thanks Chris and miss ya Maureen!!
While I am skeptical about the veracity of some parts of your dedication, Lee, I am happy to oblige your request. So here, from way back in 2005, is…
Food and Drink Combinations That Would Make a Horrible Afterschool Snack but a Great Buddy Cop Team
by LISA SEGER
Pickles and Mad Dog
Marmite and Everclear
Scrapple and Bosco
Eggs and Falstaff
Salami and Zima
Chicharrones and Sangria
Skittles and Hot Dog Water
